I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
