i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
