My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Randomize
