Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
