You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
