Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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