All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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