I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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