Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
