Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
