I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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