Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
