so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
