My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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