Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
