those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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