WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Randomize