Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
