I feel great
I just peed on a car
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
