i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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