Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
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I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
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I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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