I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
