I'm jealous of your bromance
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
