I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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