It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
