I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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