Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
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He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
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No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
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