I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
