You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My balls are so social today.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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