Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It's official drugs can't kill me
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
