And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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