I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
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