What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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