They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
