Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She bit a glass in half.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
