Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
