lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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