I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
