I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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