she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
