Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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