You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
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this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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