TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
