she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
