When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
