My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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