happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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