I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
