Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
