Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize