I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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