You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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