shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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