He is such a slut. More and more my type.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
