i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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