Her vagina should come with caution tape.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
